Clinton, South Carolina, Sunday, January 3, 2016, 12:13 a.m.
I’m watching West Virginia play Arizona State in the Motel 6 Cactus Bowl, which is aptly sponsored, and I feel I can say this with fairness because I’ve stayed in a few Motel 6’s in my day, and particularly over the past three years since my NASCAR-affiliated expense account ended.
In truth, I have probably slept on a friend’s couch just about as many times as I’ve spent the night in a motel room during that period, but, while Motel 6’s aren’t particularly memorable, I believe my most recent stay was in Baton Rouge, Louisiana.
All of which has little to do with the bowl game at a baseball stadium in Phoenix.
What has kept me awake for this sad occasion is the possibility that West Virginia (7-5) and Arizona State (6-6) might wind up having a good game. The most inglorious bowl season ever — this would undoubtedly be hotly disputed by the orange-wearing throngs I encounter each time I venture outside the manse — is getting a little better.
After Houston beat Florida State by 14, and Clemson throttled Oklahoma by 20, and Alabama rolled past Michigan State by 38, and Tennessee devastated Northwestern by 39, and Ohio State clipped Notre Dame by 16, and Michigan decimated Florida by 34, and Stanford broke Iowa’s hearts by 29, and Ole Miss throttled Oklahoma State by 28 …
… Things picked up. Georgia held off a tepid rally by Penn State by seven, and after the Arkansas conquest of Kansas State by 23, TCU came from 31 points behind to edge Oregon in triple OT, and that — and a mug of strong coffee — got my adrenaline circulating enough to endure late-night triviality in Phoenix.
This is pointless, of course, if I touch-type my way through the rest of the game. A more prudent course would be to watch this game until I get sleepy and then resume this inelegant prose on the morrow, except, of course, it’s already after midnight, so the morrow has become today.
Now the pros are about to start. The early games here are dreary: Cleveland and Pittsburgh, New Orleans and Atlanta. The Panthers and Buccaneers are at 4:25 (EST). Carolina should win and had better, but that was also true last week. Green Bay and Minnesota tonight.
The Mountaineers managed to eke by the Sun Devils last night, 43-42, according to my DirecTV ScoreGuide. I didn’t make it. I tumbled off to sleep with the game on, but I was lying in bed, so that was inevitable. The games are blending into one another. By January 11, I’ll probably think Clemson is playing Oklahoma again instead of Alabama.
For years, I saved this old Shoe comic, in which the Perfessor was typing a pro football roundup on his typewriter (from which, presumably, it would be sent to a typesetter; I’m trying to roll back to newspaper days of antiquity): “The Packers pummeled the Bears, the 49ers shot down the Jets, the Rams trampled the Cardinals,” etc.
Then he scratched his head, thought a moment, and pounded out, “… and the Colts dekrelnificated the Browns.”
I’ve watched so many ballgames, it’s got me inventing words, too. Judoglious. Etatatapieish.
I’ve got to marshal my resources. It’s time to spread the word. This next novel, Forgive Us Our Trespasses, is the best one yet because I’m gradually getting better at writing them. As a general rule, readers like my novels. I just need more readers. It’s a big pie out there — egg custard, I imagine — and the slices keep getting smaller. If you’re of a mind to help, whether by emailing, retweeting, sharing, reviewing, direct messaging, texting, or mentioning it to the English professor who’s pumping his own gas at the same time you are, by all means, do so. Left to my own devices, I’m a whiz at everything that doesn’t make money. I’m not greedy. That’s obvious, me being a writer.
Check out my other page, www.wellpilgrim.wordpress.com, every now and again. And join my Facebook group for loyal readers of my books, Similarly Crazy, or become my close personal friend through monte-dutton. I’m on Twitter @montedutton, slightly more irreverent @wastedpilgrim, and slightly more literary @hmdutton. Instagram? Why, Tug50, of course.
I ask a lot for a person from South Carolina.
Crazy of Natural Causes has only been out since late summer. It’ll only set you back $3.49. http://www.amazon.com/Crazy-Natural-Causes-Monte-Dutton-ebook/dp/B00YI8SWUU/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1436215069&sr=1-1&keywords=Crazy+of+Natural+Causes
My first novel, The Audacity of Dope (Kindle version $2.99), is about a songwriter who gets on a plane a free-thinking stoner and gets off it a free-thinking national hero. Complications ensue. http://www.amazon.com/The-Audacity-Dope-Monte-Dutton-ebook/dp/B006GT2PRA/ref=pd_sim_sbs_351_2?ie=UTF8&dpID=51zCT-MrcFL&dpSrc=sims&preST=_UX300_PJku-sticker-v3%2CTopRight%2C0%2C-44_AC_UL160_SR105%2C160_&refRID=0G1646HCQ562QP6C7JCP
The Intangibles (Kindle edition $4.99) is set in the 1960s, with an integrated high school football team at the epicenter of the local civil-rights volcano. http://www.amazon.com/The-Intangibles-Monte-Dutton-ebook/dp/B00ISJ18Z6/ref=pd_sim_351_2?ie=UTF8&dpID=51JrJlU8vKL&dpSrc=sims&preST=_UX300_PJku-sticker-v3%2CTopRight%2C0%2C-44_AC_UL160_SR107%2C160_&refRID=0RG9JJ51G715SBNV9BZH