It’s Christmas, No NASCAR, and I Am Obsessed

Kyle Busch is everywhere. (Photo by Rainier Ehrhardt/NASCAR via Getty Images)

Clinton, South Carolina, Tuesday, December 19, 2017, 10:05 a.m.

I guess all is not lost.

Tyrone Power and Dana Andrews are about to depart aboard a submarine to fight the Nazis. The Cheribundi Tart Cherry Boca Raton Bowl will pit Temple, no, Rice, no, Kennesaw State, no, Florida Atlantic against Akron tonight. It took me a while to figure which Owls were involved since my DirecTV program guide listed only that they were 10-3.

By Monte Dutton

Ten and three, huh? Not bad for a bowl game on a Tuesday night.

It’s a long way from December to February, which is when NASCAR begins again. Do you miss it yet?

I find myself equating everything to NASCAR.

Jerry Richardson is going to sell the Carolina Panthers. Maybe Brian France will buy them. Maybe Bruton Smith will buy them.

Lane Kiffin coaches Florida Atlantic. He’s kind of the Kyle Busch of college football coaches.

Last night Jon Gruden was the analyst for the Monday Night Football game between the Atlanta Falcons and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. He’s kind of the Kyle Busch of football announcers.

Congress is about to pass a tax bill. Donald Trump is kind of the Kyle Busch of presidents.

These half-baked, skewed observations are kind of the Kyle Busch of thoughts.

It’s the best I can do, though CBS Sports is about to televise “Terracross: 2017 Rough, Tough and Muddy RZR Recap Show.” My suspicion is that this has something to do with motorsports.

I can’t ever recall pining for NASCAR this much this early. On Thursday, Presbyterian College plays a women’s basketball game at noon and a men’s game at 2 p.m. Maybe that will help. If so, anything will.

(Monte Dutton photo)

So desperate am I to get back to the track next year that I have established a Patreon page to fund a few trips to tracks that are relatively nearby. I went back to Charlotte for three weekends during the past year. Now, with Christmas approaching, visions of Atlanta, Bristol, Darlington, Martinsville, and maybe even Richmond and Talladega, dance in my head like sugar plums, I guess. I have actually never enjoyed the deliciousness of sugar plums.

Its a merry-go-round, but, oddly, all they ever have is a Ferris wheel. (Getty Images for NASCAR)

I’m going to be in Greenville tonight. Perhaps I should go early and stop by Costco.

“Excuse me, ma’am, could you direct me to your sugar plums?” An attractive woman might take that the wrong way, and my Patreon fundraising might be marred by an harassment scandal. Al Franken didn’t see it coming, either.

Since this beard appeared, a Santa Claus impersonation scandal might be more likely. Or, perhaps, at Costco, Santa might be a no-show.

What do you mean, you’ve got the flu? Have you been drinking again, Fred? Wait a minute, you won’t believe it! Hang on!

“Sir, have you ever thought about playing Santa Claus?”

“Why, ho, ho, ho, ma’am, I haven’t.”

Then, maybe, just maybe, I could become the Kyle Busch of Santa Clauses, or, as I would insist, Santas Claus.

I don’t want to have to sign any contracts.

This, friends, is how a crack blogger squeezes 500 words out of almost nothing.

Make your pledge to my Patreon campaign today by clicking here. I promise most of my writing will be better than this.

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About Monte

For 20 seasons, I mostly wrote about NASCAR. I'm still paying attention, but I'm spending more of my time these days writing novels and songs. I try to blog regularly on whatever happens to strike my fancy.
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