Clinton, South Carolina, Wednesday, December 28, 2016, 10:01 a.m.
Live, from Seventh Fifth Savings & Loan Ballyard, home during the summer months to the Gitmo Waterboarders of the Florida Keys League, for the first annual John Ford Movies Stagecoach Bowl. I’m Nat Bumppo, and my partner is ex-All Pro linebacker of the San Diego Evacuators, Sledge McKittrick. Sledge, this is the first bowl appearance for the Okefenokee State Community College Swamp Buggies, and this is a young squad.
That’s right, Nat, the future is definitely ahead for the Buggies. Next year, OSCC becomes Okefenokee State University, which will not only mean they’re OSU, just like Ohio State, but also that head coach Shill McMuffin will be able to utilize a junior class for the first time.
The Swamp Buggies come into this game riding a two-game win streak, but they are underdogs to 5-7 New Miss.
Slack Manassas is probably coaching the best 5-7 team in the nation, Nat. Do you realize that the Angry Americans have lost to Alabama, LSU, Michigan, Tennessee, Florida, Texas A&M and Stony Brook by a combined total of only 119 points?
That’s right, Sledge, they’ve hung in there every week until almost halftime. Here’s public-address announcer B. Clyde Fitzroy:
Friends, seniors and injectors of life into our local economy, please remove your straw hats and welcome Nashville recording artist Jim Clancy Bobtom for his unique rendition of Our National Anthem:
Oh-ohhhh, say kin ya suhheeee …
Let’s take a break for the two minutes this national anthem is going to require for this word from TCM’s upcoming telecast of She Wore a Yellow Ribbon.
What’d you say, Nat? Two minutes.
Yeah. Two minutes.
I’m going to slip out on the roof and have a quick smoke. Be right back.
Okefenokee State has won the toss and deferred until a crucial home game next year against Vanderbilt. Deep for the Americans is J’Uquillunamian Phillips, a 5-10 speed merchant from Philadelphia, Mississippi. He’s a red-shirt graduate student who just received his master’s degree in exotic herbs. High, end-under-end kick, fielded by Phillips at the six.
He’s gone, Nat!
Well, he had just one man to beat, Sledge, but New Miss will start out at its own 16. The senior signal caller for the Angry Americans is John Lee Pettimore of Copperhead Road, Tennessee. The agriculture major takes the snap, fakes the jet sweep to Jalloquille Means, steps back …
He’s got Phillips deep, Nat. He’s behind everybody!
His friends call him Quill, Nat.
J’Uquill … uh … Phillips. Just call him Quill, Nat.
It looks like the play may be under review. Let’s look at the replay.
Nat, it looks like to me that not only did Quill have one foot down, he had both feet inbounds, and, see there, freeze that, right, uh, there, he’s got the ball clearly secured. Now, okay, he runs five more yards before he ever goes out of bounds. I think you’ll see this call overturned.
I’d call that indisputable video evidence, Sledge. Let’s go down to referee Bruton McGillicuddy.
Upon review, the ruling on the field stands. Second down!
And so on. By the time the national championship game is played – that’s James Madison against Youngstown State, best we know as of this moment – no one will be able to focus their eyeballs.
Stop by L&L Office Supply, 114 North Broad Street, Clinton and buy one of my novels. Buy Cowboys Come Home, Forgive Us Our Trespasses, Crazy of Natural Causes, The Intangibles, and/or a volume of my short stories, Longer Songs. They’re all signed and reasonably priced.
If you’d like me to ship you a signed copy, you can find my address and instructions here. If you want to speed the process up, send me a note and I’ll hook you up with my PayPal account.
Kindle versions – you don’t have to have a Kindle, just a free app for your electronic devices – of most of my books are available here. Note that my third novel, Crazy of Natural Causes, is on Kindle sale at $.99 through December 31. Links to print copies are below.
Cowboys Come Home is my brand-new, fresh-off-the-press western, a tale of two World War II veterans of the Pacific who come back home to Texas, intent on resuming their cowboy ways.
Forgive Us Our Trespasses is the latest. It’s a tale about a crooked politician who wants to be governor, whatever it takes, and another man trying to stop him. It’s outrageous.
Crazy of Natural Causes is about the fall and rise of Chance Benford, a Kentucky football coach who reinvents himself. It’s original.
The Intangibles is about the South in the 1960s, complete with racial strife, bigotry, resentment, cultural exchange and, of course, high school football.
The Audacity of Dope is the tale of Riley Mansfield, a pot-smoking songwriter turned national hero with a taste for the former and a distaste for the latter.
Longer Songs is a collection of 11 short stories that all began in songs I wrote.
Follow me at Facebook (Monte.Dutton), Twitter (@montedutton), Google+ (MonteDuttonWriter) and/or Instagram (Tug50).