Columbia, South Carolina, Saturday, December 17, 2016, 3:52 p.m.
At the moment, Chapman is playing Dillon in football down on earth. I am watching from the moon, which is hyperbolically the press box at Williams-Brice Stadium.
The game is less than two minutes old, and already it looks bad for the Panthers, whom I have watched win two football games this year. This one is for the state Class 3A championship.
Not only have I little rooting interest. I have no professional interest. My job is to write about the next game, the one that matches Boiling Springs against Dutch Fork.
The day’s first problem: no one I can find from Boiling Springs knows if there is or has ever been an actual boiling springs in Boiling Springs. No one seems to know what a Dutch fork is, either. I bet they’d know in Abbeville. Yoder’s Dutch Kitchen is there, or was the last time I drove by, and I bet they’d know. I could find a Dutch fork there if there’s such a utensil.
By the way, while I pondered important matters like springs and forks, Chapman stormed back to take a 14-7 lead. It’s the second quarter, and I’m still trying to get the wi-fi working here on the Williams-Brice moon.
A really nice representative of the University of South Carolina just remedied my wi-fi problems – yes, there is wi-fi on the moon – and now I can write in Technicolor. Actually, it’s just the same old black and white, but I’ll be able to circulate this triumph of literature to a world that otherwise would have no clue of its cosmic significance.
The moon is remote. The windows are close to soundproof. Before the game, I stood reluctantly for a national anthem I could not hear. A mute national anthem is similar to a tree that falls in the woods. I think it makes a sound, but I can’t prove it.
The Panthers and Wildcats are knotted – that’s right, all the players are involved in a huge scrum that is similar to the biggest game of Twister ever – at 21.
In today’s gala opener, South Pointe defeated Hartsville, 51-28, for the Class 4A title. At some point soon, I plan to write for money.
After I wrote this, I had to go to work. Here’s what I wrote in the Spartanburg Herld-Journal. By the way, Chapman won Class 3A, edging Dillon, 29-27. Dutch Fork defeated Boiling Springs in 5A, 28-21.
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Cowboys Come Home is my brand-new, fresh-off-the-press western, a tale of two World War II veterans of the Pacific who come back home to Texas, intent on resuming their cowboy ways.
Forgive Us Our Trespasses is the latest. It’s a tale about a crooked politician who wants to be governor, whatever it takes, and another man trying to stop him. It’s outrageous.
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The Intangibles is about the South in the 1960s, complete with racial strife, bigotry, resentment, cultural exchange and, of course, high school football.
The Audacity of Dope is the tale of Riley Mansfield, a pot-smoking songwriter turned national hero with a taste for the former and a distaste for the latter.
Longer Songs is a collection of 11 short stories that all began in songs I wrote.
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