Clinton, South Carolina, Wednesday, February 24, 2016, 8:01 a.m.
This is a year only Dr. Seuss could possibly understand.
I know that Trump, that hopeless grump. I want to kick him in the rump. He tells me what I want to hear. He makes me want to drink some beer. Next thing you know, I’ll load my gun, but first I’d have to buy me one.
“I like old Trump,” someone said to me at a ballgame. “He tells it like it is.”
I like Trump, too, but only when I watch him for fun. The Republican presidential race is hilarious. It reminds me of the old TV show Dragnet. As a drama, Dragnet was predictable and stilted. As a comedy, it was marvelous. One of my favorite guilty pleasures was watching Joe Friday rise in righteous indignation.
I may not like you, and I may hate everything you stand for, but it’s my sworn constitutional duty to protect scum like you from the snakes you call friends!
Whoa. There were times in my youth when I watched this show while impaired.
It’s more difficult, at this stage of life, to watch my TV and appreciate the humor of a man who eventually insults everyone who makes even the frailest attempt at standing up to him.
America wants Trump. Trump is a bully, as much as whoever kicked sand in Charles Atlas’s face. Everyone else is Atlas as the “97-pound weakling.” Charlie needs to muscle up.
The man who tells it like it is can’t go five words without lying. Meanwhile, he baits another candidate for lying. His best defense is a good offense. I have a sister who used to pull that. She was five.
Barack Obama is a Kenyan. Ted Cruz is a Canadian. Jeb Bush is weak. His brother is a liar. Obamacare is horrible. I’ll cover everybody. It’ll be great. Trust me. I’ll kick some Chinese ass, and torture me some Muslims, and round up all the Mexicans and hurl them over my wall with coal-fired catapults.
I’ll do it! Me! Donald Trump. Me, me, me! I am the greatest, Howard Cosell! Elect me and I’ll kick some ass! Just make sure it’s not yours, buddy, ’cause I’ll be watching you.
Imagine Joe McCarthy with a sense of humor. In other words, Ted Cruz without one.
All of this is so funny! Why in hell am I crying?
As you may have noticed, I use these blogs as a promotional tool for my novels. One, Crazy of Natural Causes, has been out since late July of 2015. If the blog above angered you, no worries. If you hate that blog, chances are you’re not going to like my novels, either. In the interest of peace, love, and understanding, I’d love for you to give one or two or (soon) four of them a read, but if this blog made you crazy, don’t sweat it, man.
Another, Forgive Us Our Trespasses, will be out soon. It’s a crime novel about corruption and patronage in a small town. The tale unfolds across two generations at the same time. It’s got sex, drugs, corruption, murder, and frank language. Very little, if any, rock and roll, though.
The Intangibles (2013) is based on boyhood memories and is set in a small Southern town amid the tumult of the 1960s. The Audacity of Dope (2011) is a freewheeling yarn about a pot-smoking songwriter who somehow becomes a national hero, and that comes with complications..
Crazy and Trespasses are my third and fourth novels. I’m working on a fifth, Cowboys Come Home. Most of my books can be examined and purchased here: http://www.amazon.com/Monte-Dutton/e/B005H3B144/ref=sr_ntt_srch_lnk_1?qid=1416767492&sr=8-1
My short fiction, reviews and essays can be found here: https://wellpilgrim.wordpress.com/
Follow me on Twitter @montedutton, @hmdutton (about writing) and @wastedpilgrim (more humor and opinion). I’m on Facebook at Monte.Dutton and Instagram at Tug50. Look for me by name at Google+. Whew. It’s too much.