Dinglebert Trumperdinck

(Monte Dutton photo)

(Monte Dutton photo)

Clinton, South Carolina, Wednesday, February 24, 2016, 8:01 a.m.

This is a year only Dr. Seuss could possibly understand.

I know that Trump, that hopeless grump. I want to kick him in the rump. He tells me what I want to hear. He makes me want to drink some beer. Next thing you know, I’ll load my gun, but first I’d have to buy me one.

“I like old Trump,” someone said to me at a ballgame. “He tells it like it is.”

Buy a guitar. It'll help. (John Clark photo)

Buy a guitar. It’ll help. (John Clark photo)

I like Trump, too, but only when I watch him for fun. The Republican presidential race is hilarious. It reminds me of the old TV show Dragnet. As a drama, Dragnet was predictable and stilted. As a comedy, it was marvelous. One of my favorite guilty pleasures was watching Joe Friday rise in righteous indignation.

I may not like you, and I may hate everything you stand for, but it’s my sworn constitutional duty to protect scum like you from the snakes you call friends!

Whoa. There were times in my youth when I watched this show while impaired.

It’s more difficult, at this stage of life, to watch my TV and appreciate the humor of a man who eventually insults everyone who makes even the frailest attempt at standing up to him.

Ormond Beach, Fla. (Monte Dutton photo)

Ormond Beach, Fla. (Monte Dutton photo)

America wants Trump. Trump is a bully, as much as whoever kicked sand in Charles Atlas’s face. Everyone else is Atlas as the “97-pound weakling.” Charlie needs to muscle up.

The man who tells it like it is can’t go five words without lying. Meanwhile, he baits another candidate for lying. His best defense is a good offense. I have a sister who used to pull that. She was five.

Barack Obama is a Kenyan. Ted Cruz is a Canadian. Jeb Bush is weak. His brother is a liar. Obamacare is horrible. I’ll cover everybody. It’ll be great. Trust me. I’ll kick some Chinese ass, and torture me some Muslims, and round up all the Mexicans and hurl them over my wall with coal-fired catapults.

I’ll do it! Me! Donald Trump. Me, me, me! I am the greatest, Howard Cosell! Elect me and I’ll kick some ass! Just make sure it’s not yours, buddy, ’cause I’ll be watching you.

Imagine Joe McCarthy with a sense of humor. In other words, Ted Cruz without one.

All of this is so funny! Why in hell am I crying?

(Graphic courtesy of Meredith Pritchard; cover by Jennifer Skutelsky)

(Graphic courtesy of Meredith Pritchard; cover by Jennifer Skutelsky)

As you may have noticed, I use these blogs as a promotional tool for my novels. One, Crazy of Natural Causes, has been out since late July of 2015. If the blog above angered you, no worries. If you hate that blog, chances are you’re not going to like my novels, either. In the interest of peace, love, and understanding, I’d love for you to give one or two or (soon) four of them a read, but if this blog made you crazy, don’t sweat it, man.

(Jennifer Skutelsky cover design)

(Jennifer Skutelsky cover design)

Another, Forgive Us Our Trespasses, will be out soon. It’s a crime novel about corruption and patronage in a small town. The tale unfolds across two generations at the same time. It’s got sex, drugs, corruption, murder, and frank language. Very little, if any, rock and roll, though.

(Melanie Ryon cover design)

(Melanie Ryon cover design)

The Intangibles (2013) is based on boyhood memories and is set in a small Southern town amid the tumult of the 1960s. The Audacity of Dope (2011) is a freewheeling yarn about a pot-smoking songwriter who somehow becomes a national hero, and that comes with complications..

(Joe Font cover design)

(Joe Font cover design)

Crazy and Trespasses are my third and fourth novels. I’m working on a fifth, Cowboys Come Home. Most of my books can be examined and purchased here: http://www.amazon.com/Monte-Dutton/e/B005H3B144/ref=sr_ntt_srch_lnk_1?qid=1416767492&sr=8-1

My short fiction, reviews and essays can be found here: https://wellpilgrim.wordpress.com/

Follow me on Twitter @montedutton, @hmdutton (about writing) and @wastedpilgrim (more humor and opinion). I’m on Facebook at Monte.Dutton and Instagram at Tug50. Look for me by name at Google+. Whew. It’s too much.

About Monte

For 20 seasons, I mostly wrote about NASCAR. I'm still paying attention, but I'm spending more of my time these days writing novels and songs. I try to blog regularly on whatever happens to strike my fancy.
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9 Responses to Dinglebert Trumperdinck

  1. Robert Johnson says:

    It’s not so frightening that he’s a bully and racist, because there are plenty of them around.

    It’s more that so many Americans seem to think that that’s exactly the type of person we need in order to make our country great.

  2. Jacques A. Gilliam says:

    I’m very proud of you and the work you’ve and are doing. Continued success Monte and may God continue to bless you and your work.
    Your commits on Donald Trump are definitely on point. Only people with one track minds will support a man like Trump.

  3. Randy Yokum says:

    Many people thought Obama was going to make the Country great. He did not…no where close. Sanders is a socialist and Hillary… Well, what is Hillary at this point?

    I see a lot of people complain about Trump and his crassness. A lot of people don’t remember how nasty American politics have been as we travel back in history. Do your own research. The truth is American politics are still nasty. Trump doesn’t hide those facts to be…lets all say it…..”politically correct. He’s brutally honest b

    I would love for those who complain about who he is or what he is to offer the alternative that will make our country great again. Who is it?

  4. Monte says:

    Obviously, not everyone agrees with you, so, undoubtedly, no suggestion is going to meet with your approval if it comes from someone with a different view.
    That’s okay. I respect it. It’s your right. I just go with what I think.

  5. Monte says:

    I appreciate that, Jacques. I’m just being me.

  6. Monte says:

    You’re right. The scariest aspect isn’t Trump. He’s always been an egotistical braggart. It’s that people respond to that.

  7. Polly Iyer says:

    I agree with everything you said about Trump, Monte. (Don’t get me started on Cruz, who is much more dangerous.) For the poster who said Obama didn’t live up to his promises: He pulled us out a what could have been a great depression, made it possible for millions of people to have health care (that could have been better if he didn’t have to fight tooth and nail to get it passed), cut the deficit more than half, lowered unemployment from 10% to 4.9, soared the stock market to new highs, and all facing unprecedented obstruction from people who vowed to make him a one-term president. As far as debt, Obama put the Iraq War on the books, which Bush didn’t, and Obama got blamed for the high debt. The US will always have debt. Always. We have always Stop concentrating on what Obama didn’t–read COULDN’T–do and pay attention to what he DID do. The bottom line is this country and the middle class has always done better under a Democratic administration. What the Republicans do better is convince people the country is better with them at the helm. How do people keep believing that when the proof is otherwise?

  8. Bill Walker says:

    Right on, Monte. My dad (now 90, wiser than ever and sharp as a tack) were talking the other day. We agreed that the only thing more frightening than trump (I refuse to capitalize his name, because he prefers it in all caps and I find him a lowercase person) is the fact that so many people seem to be buying what he’s selling, because — make no mistake — he is ALWAYS selling. I first became aware of him when I lived in New York during from 1981 to 1991. I knew a few people who knew or had worked for him. No one had good stories to tell. He was a narcissist and braggart who thought only of himself. He has a history of serially cheating on his wives and dumping them with no compunction when their “hot” expiration date has passed. Because he does not see them as people, but accessories. A friend of mine worked for him and his second wife as a tutor. She was of course forced to sign a nondisclosure agreement as a condition of employment. Because trump knows that anyone who witnesses his behavior in non-public moments will be witnessing some pretty ugly stuff. Without getting into specifics, she confirmed that he is, in private life, “evil and cruel.” This woman is a minister, who is known as being uncommonly kind and giving herself, and seeing the best in people. I wish to God his ex-wives would talk. I am sure they could undo his campaign in about 5 seconds. I am just as sure they will never talk, out of stark terror over what the consequences might be. I feel certain trump got into this campaign merely as a way to extend his “brand” and make more money, never imagining he would catch on. But it’s a weird, weird time we are living in.

  9. Monte says:

    I’m glad I got a political yarn (The Audacity of Dope) out four years ago.
    It’s impossible to write fiction about politics now. Mark Twain said something along the lines of, “Of course, truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.”

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