The Beautiful People

Kasey Kahne answers the question, "What would happen if Junior was a fireman?" (Getty Images photo for NASCAR)

Kasey Kahne answers the question, “What would happen if Junior was a fireman?” (Getty Images photo for NASCAR)

Gotta an indie bookstore!

Clinton, South Carolina, Thursday, June 4, 2015, 10:52 a.m.

This morning was normal. I got up, took some medication, and got some coffee brewing. I checked email and social media. I fetched the coffee and sipped it thoughtfully. After a half hour of rumination, I prepared breakfast and consumed it. I shaved and showered, which was a bit unusual because I don’t often do that until I need to go out, and most days I write all morning and run errands in the afternoons. This morning I had an errand to run. Now I’m back.

"Kids, start your engines!" (Getty Images photo for NASCAR)

“Kids, start your engines!” (Getty Images photo for NASCAR)

Kasey Kahne did an impression of Dale Earnhardt Jr.

Brad Keselowski and Joey Logano are going to have cameos in Sharknado 3.

Jeff Gordon was on whatever show it is that used to have Regis Philbin. Wait. Live with Kelly and Michael.

While driving around town, I heard Pete Pistone and Mike Bagley talking about how Montreal needs a Sprint Cup race because the fans are loyal and don’t mind sitting in the rain.

Monte Dutton

Monte Dutton

Jimmie Johnson is on Nick Jr.’s (it’s an animated show, not Nick Jonas’s son, if he has a son, and if not, some other Nick it’s not) The Wonder Pets! Oh, wait. It’s on regular Nick (I seem to remember it stands for Nickelodeon, not Jonas), and the show is Bubble Guppies.

Now I’m watching Bubble Guppies. The lengths I’ll go to write a blog.

The plot is quite convoluted. I see no reason to go through a chase scene with a friendly wolf just so Bubblepuppy can have a new house built because his old one got wrecked by a runaway shopping cart. Besides, that never happens except at Family Dollar. I just want to see if there’s Lowe’s “branding.”

There’s Jimmie! No out-and-out Lowe’s logos, but he’s got a house on his outfit, and it’s blue and white. That’s the Lowe’s logo in the United States of Bubble Guppies, apparently. I have determined that everyone will live happily ever after.

With the exception of Montreal – I’ve been there once – I have no interest in any of this.

Several images come to mind. One is Loretta Lynn singing “One’s on the Way”: They say to have her hair done / Liz flies all the way to France / And Jackie’s seen in a discotheque / Doing a brand new dance / And the White House social season is all glittering and gay / But here in Topeka the screen door’s a-banging / One needs a huggin’ and one needs a spankin’ and / One’s on the way.

The Silver Fox, David Pearson, circa 1977.  (Thomas Pope photo)

The Silver Fox, David Pearson, circa 1977. (Thomas Pope photo)

Another is a commercial from my youth of David Pearson recommending that I use Pure Firebird gasoline in my car (which I didn’t have yet).

I’m told NASCAR helps “place” its drivers in such dramatic simulations.

It’s understandable why the drivers want to be celebrities. They meet the stars of stage, screen and Hollywood, most often because these stars show up at NASCAR races to promote their upcoming albums, movies, and TV shows.

Celeb: “Hey, Champ, it’s so cool hanging with you.”

Driver: “My pleasure. We should get together sometime.”

Celeb: “You know what. Come to the set. We’ll put you in a movie. You can get eaten by a flying shark.”

Driver: “Cool.”

My next novel, Crazy of Natural Causes, will be out soon. Maybe, once it tops the New York Times best-seller list and is spun off into a movie, I can become a celebrity, too. If only Letterman was still on.

In Bubble Guppies, Jimmie Johnson didn’t even drive a race car, but his appearance was designed to make kids interested in NASCAR again. I imagine a cute little kid going to his first race.

Ned Jarrett, 1965 (Ford Motor Company)

Ned Jarrett, 1965 (Ford Motor Company)

Mom: “Look, Cody, see that guy climbing into the No. 48? That’s Jimmie Johnson. He was on Bubble Guppies!”

Cody: “Ooh, really? When’s he gonna build Bubblepuppy a cool new house?”

Another image is of Dale Earnhardt in Bubble Guppies. Or Sterling Marlin. Or Harry Gant. Or Kenny Schrader.

“Build your own damn house! Ain’t got time for that [stuff].”

Fortunately, I’ll get plenty of knowledge of the real NASCAR this weekend, when the Flying Waltrips take over again.

While you wait in breathless anticipation for Crazy of Natural Causes, perhaps you might examine other books of mine, conveniently “branded” and available for sale here:


About Monte

For 20 seasons, I mostly wrote about NASCAR. I'm still paying attention, but I'm spending more of my time these days writing novels and songs. I try to blog regularly on whatever happens to strike my fancy.
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3 Responses to The Beautiful People

  1. Ted Edison says:

    Richmond Ford was bought out by Sheehy a few years ago. Still stands on Broad Street. I spent my early years (3-12) living about five blocks from the dealership. Hyman Brothers Pontiac was a few blocks east, next to the Clover Room where my father and I used to walk and get a cinnamon ice cream cone. All of that is gone now.

  2. Tony Geinzer says:

    I think Montreal burnt their bridge with Major Motorsports from the last time they jilted NASCAR. If Cup was serious about Canada, I would take Mosport and Trois Riveries after the Brickyard 400. And, frankly, I’d want NBC to overtake even XFinity like it was TNN BGN racing as Network TV Sports needs more than a booster shot, as there are too many icolonials NOT named Marilyn Manson.

  3. Dave Fulton says:

    Hey, Ted… I worked at Clover Room for Mr. Luck and Spooner Hull when I was in high school at TeeJay through 1966 when I graduated. Richmond’s original Lowes was just east of Richmond Ford on Broad. After Jim Clark won the 1965 Indy 500, Richmond Ford had his Colin Chapman Lotus Ford (that the Wood Brothers pitted to the win) and the Bondy Long/Ned Jarrett #11 that Richmond Ford sponsored in their showroom at the same time. I grew up on Park between Westmoreland & Chantilly. Back in the 90s, Huddie Hyman’s sister (who was married to the president of Ethyl Corp.) headed up a huge fundraiser for Richmond’s Children’s Hospital and Speedway Children’s Charities held at Country Club of Virginia. I’ll never forget the old money Richmonders in their tuxes having to walk past Junie Donlavey and Dick Trickle to get in the affair. Junie had his crew with the #90 Heilig-Meyers Ford at the clubhouse main entrance changing tires. I guarantee that other than Charlie Luck and his wife, Lisa – Richard Petty’s daughter – few in that crowd had ever the sound of an impact wrench!

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